my favorite part

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, 

and creates a vision for tomorrow. "

Melody Beattie

I'm so grateful for the time that I've had home with baby - sixteen weeks! With the birth of my first child my life has been completely transformed. I was joking with my husband the other day that this change in my heart and head has been so drastic that I hope I still remember how to do my job when I get back to the office. I know most parents understand this feeling of transformation. All of my priorities have shifted toward a new focus of keeping my family safe and secure and raising a healthy child. 

And somehow squeezing my creative projects in . . . 

I'm almost finished with my star quilt. I've got the binding on and I would be sewing it to the back of the quilt, but I only have polyester thread that matches it and I don't want to use that. I read somewhere that polyester thread lasts longer than the cotton material and ultimately it will end up "cutting through" the weaker fabric. We can't have that happening after I put so much effort into this project.

Baby and I will be making a trip to the store either today or tomorrow, so it will have to wait until then.

I've already decided on my next project after I wrap up this quilt. It's going to be a pretty pink baby sweater. The yarn is wound and waiting. I think this soft pastel color looks so pretty on babies. Their skin is so fine, it just seems to glow in soft colors. So I can't wait to get started on this project.

My husband found an orchid sale and brought me home two plants. I have one in the kitchen and one upstairs in my studio. I love their friendly and exotic blossoms.

xo Jill

P.S. I can't decide what my favorite part of a project is - finishing it or starting it. What's yours?

my boy and my girl

Awww. I snapped these photos yesterday when I turned and saw this situation unfolding on the floor in front of me. 

My two babies. Bree came into my life during a real low point as we were struggling to build our family and meeting hurdle after hurdle. She was just this warm furry - joyful - creature to come home to at the end of the day. At first, when we got her, I would cry at her happy greeting at the door because she was so positive and I was not.

Slowly, she drew me out of my shell and we started to explore the neighborhood. We went on so many walks I can't even count. I can remember one night when we got really bad news that I was so sad that I couldn't even sleep, she crawled into bed and laid on top of me. Her head on my chest. (My husband beside me.) Her warm, gentle, furry weight and the rise and fall of her breathing finally pulled me under into sleep. I felt so protected and loved by this creature.

She knew my sadness and just laid with me.

Fast forward a year and a half and our two people one dog (one cat) household has been transformed by this cooing, jabbering, laughing baby.

Poor Bree! She's been a little depressed, I can tell, but now as I get more of a handle on motherhood and we start to get our rhythms down there has been more time for our sweet girl. She got a bath last week and I've been grooming her soft, soft fur. (Otherwise it's every where in our house.)

The weather is warming up, so soon Bree, baby and I will be out and about on our long, long walks. Hang in there, girl.  Summer is coming. My heart is so full of gratitude for the gifts that I've been given. Baby cries at three am and a warm furry nose and four paws always beside us.

I finally cast off on my tweed baby blanket. Just in time for my girlfriend's shower this weekend. The blanket is soft, pliable and - most importantly - machine washable. Logan got a crocheted blanket as a gift that is about this same size and we love it. It fits perfectly around him in his carrier and bassinet. Project stats here.

Happy Friday everyone. Joining Amanda Jean for Finish it up Friday.

xo Jill

day of blessing

A thirty-three year old baptism gown that my aunt Janet made for my brother and now my son is wearing it. My mom pulled it out of her drawer about a month ago when we started planning Logan's baptism. There were some thirty-three year old spit up stains on the front of it that I couldn't get out, so I turned the whole gown around and sewed the buttons on the back and he wore it like that.

Did I snap thousands of photos? Yup :) :)

Little babies are sure slippery in satin and lace. We're lucky no one dropped him over the course of the day. I am just sappy over these photos. Never again will I get to dress him up this way - not in puffed sleeves and lace. I can't believe that he didn't fight the bonnet, but he just laid there cooing up at me as I snapped these photos.

Our little house was filled to the brim with family and friends this past Sunday and I have never been happier. Our moms and sisters pitched in to bring dishes of food and the little cousins darted around the adults trying to find a space to play. (Logan is so little that we don't have many toys for them to play with here, but I kept finding his stuffed animals around the house a few days after the event, wherever a niece or nephew dropped one.) Logan has a lot of stuffed lambs.

Here is a poem that my mom put in his baptism card:

God sent you the best He had
The blessing of baby hands
And ten small toes
that came in rows
imported from Angel lands!
God blessed 
the little darling
and to earth
sent us this pearl;
He has won 
our hearts already
Your blessed baby boy
I send you the best I have
A wish that is big and true;
that God will bless 
with tenderness
His dear little gift and you!

It was printed in Italy, that's all I know about the source. I already have it stuck on the fridge and my heart gives a little bump bump when I read it. It is so true.

My oriental lily is blooming. The house smells wonderful.  

Wishing you many blessings,

Jill

P.S.

Linking up with Nicole.

apple orchard

Last weekend we stopped by the apple orchard that my husband's grandparents used to own when he was a boy. He spent many October days there sorting apples and helping out in the orchard. He had lots of fun stories to share as he led me around the farm.

"This is different." He would say. "They didn't have a fire pit here when I was a kid."

When we were in the barn he commented on how small it all seemed to him now. Of course, I thought, everything seems huge to us when we're kids. Some days I wish I could go back to being a kid again. Especially in the fall when the leaves are so crunchy and the nights are so crisp. Who would you choose to become on Halloween night? Would you skip down the sidewalk with your friends feeling nothing but joy and anticipation over your bag full of candy and the school days stretching out in front of you?

Last night - which was Halloween - I made a big pot of chili for dinner. As we sat down at the table Garrett commented that pretty soon we would have our hands full on Halloween. Meaning he hoped we would be blessed with children soon. I felt so grateful for him in that moment - reminding me of what we have to look forward to - not our school days, but our kid's school days and costumes. 

We'll bring them to the orchard someday and let them sit on the tractor and pet the goats and tell them how "Daddy used to work here." And all of these days of waiting for things to begin and of forcing myself to stand strong on the sidelines of motherhood will shrink from the huge mountain they are today into a mole hill. A mere speed bump on our journey to become a family.

Praying for you little ones!

XOXO

Jillian

north shore

This past weekend Garrett and I took a surprise trip to the North Shore of Lake Superior. We decided to go late Friday night and booked the reservation then. I had no expectations - just the desire to get away. The trip turned out to be a wonderful experience.

It was 70 degrees on the shore. We couldn't believe it. There I was dressed in layers and flannel and we had to start shedding layers - we both got a little sun. We stayed at Pine Cove Lodge in Beaver Bay, MN, which is just south of Silver Bay. (I love that name.) The only other people at the resort seemed to be a wedding party - other than that Garrett and I had the entire cove (and what felt like the lake) to ourselves. I needed this trip. I lived for seven years in Duluth, MN. For seven years I had the lake on my back doorstep - that wonderful view that you can lose yourself in. And the sound of the water . . .

This was not the way Garrett and I hoped to spend Mother's Day this year - we'd hoped for a little one squalling in the backseat. It was hard and bittersweet for me. A day I can't celebrate . . . yet. The lake and those old, old stones comforted me.

Garrett and I will come back to this place and walk along the shore with our child someday.

That's a promise.

barn notes : a little miracle

I got this email from my mom this morning and it charmed me so much I had to post it here. Little Hannah's eyes say it all.

Notes from the barn: How Miracle got her name:  

We brought her in from the barn Monday night - she was very cold and wouldn't eat. We tube fed her and put her to bed in the bathroom in a box of straw with a hot water bottle to comfort and keep her warm.  We honestly didn't think she would make it thru the night -  she survived!  When I went in to use the bathroom at 2 am I frightened her and she crawled out of her box baaing.  She took a bottle from us a couple more times, we put her back with her mom and she still couldn't figure out how to eat from mom so we had to bring her in on tuesday night, fed her and put her to bed with a water bottle.  This is how she woke up on Wed am - eager for someone to feed her. Last night she spent the night in the barn - I've been out there every few hours struggling with her to eat from her mom ( Dad often has to hold the ewe in place).  This morning she was able to get some milk without our help - we're keeping our fingers crossed she stays strong and determined to eat.  Otherwise she'll have to be bottle fed.... which is fun for awhile...

Love you all, Mom

changing seasons

Can you feel it in your neck of the woods - the season is changing? I can feel it around here. Maybe it's because daylight savings was last weekend and the light is with us longer in the evenings. The temperature is starting to thaw. I find myself tugging off my mittens on my daily walks to and from work.

The snow is still well over a foot deep in the backyard, but it's melty and crusty around the edges. It's slowly dissolving and rich brown earth is starting to appear at the edges of all the drifts and piles. I can see the raspberry canes spiking up through the drifts. Soon maybe some buds will appear on the little maple tree we planted in the backyard two years ago.

The changing season makes me think about our adoption. We receive updates every month and have been getting "hits" and inquires over our profile. Well over a dozen birthmothers have asked for a copy of our profile book, but we are still waiting. I wonder if maybe one of the birthmothers who is looking at our profile - "our birthmother" - is still early in her pregnancy and is wondering what she will do. Maybe she looked at our profile and then tucked it away somewhere as she sorts through things in her heart. It is as hard on her (maybe harder) than it is on us. I think about her every day and hope she is taking care of herself and the little one she is carrying.

I look at my frozen garden, mostly hidden beneath the snow, and I tell myself "Next year when the raspberries blossom our baby will be here" or "next fall when the maple burns red we will be celebrating that we have made a connection with a birthmother." And I will remember the berries and the red leaves on the maple and how they helped me count the days of this wait.

Patiently waiting (well . . . waiting)

Jillian

sleepy time

Ahh . . . I was so happy for the weekend when it came around. Garrett and I had a busy week last week. We volunteered to watch our cousin's little girl while they went off on an all inclusive trip to Cabo. Four days. One three year old. Sub-zero weather and daycare drop-offs and pick-ups. Meal time, bath time, story time and that blissful time when the dear little one is sleeping (hopefully) and you get to fall onto the sofa next to your husband and just relax.

I'm sick again, though - a head cold sinus thing that just makes me feel and look rather gross. I've gone through two boxes of tissues and almost one roll of toilet paper over the course of the weekend. Sorry for over-sharing, but that box of "Sleepytime" tea has become my best friend. Garrett brought me home the jumbo box and I like to steep my tea with honey, lots of honey. I want to become the "Sleepytime" bear. I want the crackling fire, the comfy chair and the night cap. I want to be snug in my little bear den as the winter winds howl outside, healing from the inside out.

But tomorrow is Monday and my PTO is dwindling, so I'll have to do the best I can to heal up and then brave the work week along with everyone else. This has been a long winter. My dad was saying something along the lines of we've had 40 mornings below zero here in Minnesota. That sounds about right to me. I really dislike walking to my office in this cold.

We rearranged the living room. We finished off the family room in the basement, and put the tv down there. That created space for another bookshelf. I feel so happy with all of my books and pictures around me. I finished a great book this weekend. Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell. It was wonderful . . . think Romeo and Juliet set against an 80's soundtrack. Funny and heartwarming. I made Garrett listen as I explained the entire plot to him and why I loved it so much. ha. I read it for my April book club.

That's a pot of my restorative chicken noodle soup on the stove. I begged my mother to bring me one of her farm-grown chickens so that I could use it to make this soup. We've got to get healthy around here.

I hope all of you bears are cozy on this chilly February night. Snuggle in and sleep tight.

XOXO
Jillian

painted hearts + pancakes

Painted hearts, pancakes . . . plus some chicken enchiladas! The end of January always has me kicking into creative high gear, because my birthday's lurking just around the corner. And it's not just my birthday - it's my sister's birthday and her daughter's birthday - a big celebration for us. So that means I'll head up north to the farm this upcoming weekend and we'll all just hang out with each other - make some good food, devour some cake. We don't really exchange big gifts, we mainly just give each other little things that we've made or pass on good books that the other person has "just got to read right now."

Valentine's Day is just around the corner as well. I really like the holiday when I keep myself shielded from all the marketing that surrounds it. When I keep it to homemade, simple valentines and buy my chocolate at least a week before - and avoid the panic of the romantics who forgot their sweethearts until the day of - well, it's a lot more fun that way.

The cat has figured out where all of my creative energy is "roosting" these days - she's keeping a close eye on all of my stuff is a nice way of putting it - as long as she keeps her paws out of my paints!

I found a great pancake recipe here. I followed it exactly, but subbed coconut milk for buttermilk and added a teaspoon each of cinnamon and vanilla. And I highly recommend this enchilada recipe, it was easy to put together and something different from our usual evening dinners.